Princess Peach can GTFO

Just finished Mario Odyssey.

Yes, it took me a long time. It was a challenge finding the time to play between work, planning a move to a new state next month, and caring for a terror straight out of hell commonly referred to as my son. Also, I’m just not that good in gaming anymore. Adulting sucks.

If you haven’t finished playing and don’t want spoilers, then you know the drill: Quit reading this.

I don’t know the last time I actually finished the storyline in a game (maybe Jet Force Gemini back in 1999?), but with Mario Odyssey I made it a goal to complete this platform, action-adventure style game since I legit have never finished a Mario game in my 31 years of life. Never.

So here I am, finally completed a lifetime goal and I’m torn.

First and foremost, MO is an amazing experience. This is a completionist gamer’s dream. I thought I scoured each zone for moons and found most of them, but realized I am nowhere close to collecting all the moons hidden throughout. Now having completed the game knowing the amount of further exploration makes me excited and mentally exhausted at the same time.

I decided to do my best at playing this game “pure”. No looking up any how to’s, just straight up figuring it out on my own. (I did have to look up how to defeat Bubblaines’ boss fight after my 6th attempt. I had to walk away from the game for a day or so, because there was rage.) MO I wouldn’t say is highly challenging, but if you aren’t paying close enough attention, you will miss little details that will lead you to a moon. And there are SO MANY MOONS TO BE FOUND.

Let’s speed things up: This is the classic Mario on the chase to rescue Princess Peach from Bowser with a couple new characters, Cappy and girl Cappy (I don’t know her name). Long story short, Bowser is forcing Peach (and girl Cappy since she’s sitting on top of Peach’s head) to marry him and she is held hostage on his flying ship. They are traveling to destinations across the world to gather the best of the best things for the wedding (Bowser is really putting a lot of thought into this wedding and it is kind of sweet).  Along with Cappy, you chase them on this journey always arriving just a little too late in order to save Peach and girl Cappy. Each location you fight stuff, collect moons to power up your ship, and buy some cool clothes with the local currency you obtain while you roam the land. Oh, and Cappy is your main weapon - throw him at a target and you control it. Wicked mind control IMO.

Fast forward to the end:  You and Cappy are on the moon. This is where the wedding is happening. You fight Bowser and save Peach amongst other things.

Cut scene time: Both Mario and Peach are dressed for the occasion. Yes, they are going to finally get married! But no, Bowser punches Mario out of the way and is begging for Peach’s hand. Then Mario pushes Bowser and is begging for Peach’s hand.

Peach literally just stands there and shakes her head at both. She then proceeds to Mario’s ship and takes off with it. Mario only has seconds to hop on before it leaves back to earth.

Shortly after, you head to Mushroom Kingdom (and you feel like you’re in Mario 64 which is so cool!) and head over to Peach’s Castle to find out that she’s not there.

At this point, I started to get upset. Starting to feel rage, I looked up where she was. She was at the starting level where Cappy originates from.

Immediately I fly my ass out to that land, to find her waving at me with a suitcase. All she has for me is a moon and explains that she is going to travel the world now. I pride myself in being an independent woman. I realized this before even dating boys. Peach realized this after she didn’t need Mario’s help anymore.

I have never felt so used in my entire life. I even had to talk to my cousin about this and he told me “you literally went to the moon and back for this bitch”.

I don’t know how all the other Mario games ended, but if all ends like this then Mario is really dumb and I’m glad I have never completed other Mario games.

If not, then Mario really needs to move on from Peach. She is nothing more than a toxic damsel in distress type that will take you for everything you have and leave you feeling like you never mattered and she will end up married to Bowser.

Regardless though, I will still play to find the other moons, but I’m in no rush now.